Anxiety is a sensitive word, even as a college student who is seeking to receive a diploma as a psychology major. It affects you in several different ways, both emotional and physical. It drains you, soaks all your energy, and it leaves you with the inability to react in the way you would as an anxiety-free individual. You are faced with restless nights and sometimes don’t even know why the hell you are so incredibly anxious all the time. Your body responds via fight or flight mode, and this is when you notice the physical impacts of your mental illness. Your heart starts racing like no tomorrow, your legs feel like jello, and breathing becomes a foreign concept to you. You have to remind yourself to breathe, because you realize that your overwhelming thoughts make you stop breathing. You are faced with doubting your self worth, your whole purpose of why you even exist, and general contemplations that lead you to go through a midlife crisis. You try to overcome your irrational fears by suppressing them, which makes them a lot worse. I’ve learned to accept the fact that I will sometimes have less serotonin than what my brain needs. I have also learned to accept the fact that anxiety is a natural response to the chaotic world we are living in, and a Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (fancy word for anxiety medicine) can sometimes help you cope through the harsh realities of life. We are in the middle of a global pandemic, which I’m sure you will read about in future history books. 2020 has been quite a year, and I expect all you to have some form of anxiety, because that would mean that you are a normal human with normal thoughts and feelings.
In the midst of a global pandemic because of the Coronavirus outbreak, (a.k.a. COVID-19) I’ve had way too much time on my hands to think. Think about my own life, think about other people’s lives, and Hell, to even think about the Starbucks barista’s life because I see him way too often in the drive thru. His name is Isaac. And Isaac, if you are reading this, I want you to know that my order will always be a grande vanilla sweet cream cold brew, with extra sweet cream if I’m feeling a lil’ crazier than usual.
The baby represents 2020.
All jokes aside, I’ve been thinking a lot. And I’ve been gifted with the talent of being a decent writer, so I decided to use my talent to publish this article. I am a firm believer in the quote, “Believing is half of the battle” so I decided to push away the anxious Leda, and replaced her with a Leda that genuinely believes that she can carry out anything that she works towards. Also, I think that a lot of people can relate to me. Not because I ran for sophomore class president in high school and I got ‘fired’ because I tweeted about one of my teacher’s saying, “Pray for the students who have Dr. G this semester,” but because I can truly empathize with others and be able to analyze other people without judging them. Yes, that’s the word; analyzing others. I can go into Barnes and Noble and observe what other people are choosing to read and try to analyze their interests. And though we all have thoughts, I also like to express my thoughts through social media or writing in general, hence why I got fired from my sophomore class presidency. Sometimes, expressing yourself on an open platform can get you in different types of trouble, which leads you to making all your social media accounts private for the sake of not ruining your chance with potential future employers.
I’ll be honest with you; I still don’t know how to cope with different emotions. My medical condition list is semi-long, from mental illnesses (I’ve been diagnosed by a medical professional, I promise I’m not a hypochondriac that acts upon self-diagnosing herself) such as anxiety and panic disorder to more physical illnesses such as; endometriosis, ovarian cysts, high blood pressure, costochondritis, and I think that’s it. I don’t remember, but the list runs long. I still blame Mr. Bennett for all my illnesses. I am kidding. *In narrator voice* “she was NOT kidding.”
Despite my debilitating health issues, I still don’t let them get to me. This is because I know that they don’t define me, they’re solely facts about me and I’m okay with that. I think the biggest challenges we face with our emotions are derived from the simple fact that we don’t accept them. We question them, we try to figure out why we are feeling a certain way. But the reality is, you have to accept them and let them come and go as they please. There is no need for you to question any emotion, solely because you will never get the answer that you want. Unless you are Sigmund Freud or someone that was deeply invested in psychology, I highly doubt that you will get answers. I’ve learned to take a few steps back, reflect, and to accept.
Shift your perspective. While you are reflecting upon this god-awful-year-of-uncertainties, do not hesitate to pinpoint your “roses” of the year. Most of us likely have the same thorn; Coronavirus. My roses are Starbucks, Isaac from Starbucks, (he was a cutie) and being able to love on my baby Nephew Luca who was born this year! He is the biggest reminder that even in the midst of a global pandemic, there are still other beautiful things that can happen to you.
Anyways, the purpose of this article is for me to be the gentle reminder that it’s okay to not be okay. 2020 was a year that reminded us how real anxiety truly is. When you live through the global pandemic and anxiety altogether, you are a train wreck in human form. It’s terrifying. We have been living the same day over since March of 2020. Now that we are on page 364 of 365 as of today; I’d like to include my absolute favorite quote from one of my favorite authors, Rachel Hollis; “Every year you close a new chapter in your story. Please don’t write the same one seventy-five times and call it a life.”
Too powerful, I know.